I don’t know a woman who is happy with her weight. That said, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun coming up with a new life plan.
Ten Reasons Your Prayer Diet Won’t Work Nancy Pagh
Praying to god that you will be thin
instead of eating
only burns eleven calories
at average fervency.
Jesus had large love handles.
I know in the pictures he’s skinny
with slightly Italian-esque features,
but he understood the value
of keeping on a few extra pounds
to tide him over in the desert.
If you are a child of god
this runs in your family.
All food miracles create more:
more loaves, more fishes, more wine, more manna…
When you ask god to do something about fat
The only time you used to talk to god
was giving thanks before high-caloric meals.
Your fat cells remember this
and begin to swell
even at the mention of his name.
God has stock in Doritos.
Eventually you will tell yourself
that god created you this way
and who are you to disagree?
Contrary to popular belief,
eating is not a mortal sin per se-
and god believes in free will.
Bread & wine. Communion would suggest
god endorses Mediterranean Diet
Blasphemy, to waste German chocolate cake.
God is characterized by excess;
your only proof that god exists
is that the natural world is more than it has to be.
Perhaps the closest you’ve come
to acting in her perfect image
was building your sacred hips.