Ten Reasons Your Prayer Diet Won’t Work

I don’t know a woman who is happy with her weight. That said, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun coming up with a new life plan.

Ten Reasons Your Prayer Diet Won’t Work                                 Nancy Pagh

1.

Praying to god that you will be thin

instead of eating

only burns eleven calories

at average fervency.

2.

Jesus had large love handles.

I know in the pictures he’s skinny

and White

with slightly Italian-esque features,

but he understood the value

of keeping on a few extra pounds

to tide him over in the desert.

If you are a child of god

this runs in your family.

3.

All food miracles create more:

more loaves, more fishes, more wine, more manna…

When you ask god to do something about fat

expect multiplication.

4.

The only time you used to talk to god

was giving thanks before high-caloric meals.

Your fat cells remember this

and begin to swell

even at the mention of his name.

5.

God has stock in Doritos.

6.

Eventually you will tell yourself

that god created you this way

and who are you to disagree?

7.

Contrary to popular belief,

eating is not a mortal sin per se-

and god believes in free will.

8.

Bread & wine. Communion would suggest

god endorses Mediterranean Diet

instead.

9.

Blasphemy, to waste German chocolate cake.

10.

God is characterized by excess;

your only proof that god exists

is that the natural world is more than it has to be.

 

Perhaps the closest you’ve come

to acting in her perfect image

was building your sacred hips.

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